Stroke at 49 part 1

Three days after Thanksgiving my husband got out of bed and stumbled into the dining room were I was reading the morning news online. I followed him into the kitchen and asked if he was alright. He told me he was dizzy and having a difficult time standing. I brought him to the couch in the living room and had him sit down. His face was slightly drooping on the left side but he was still recovering from Bell's Palsy three weeks before so it was not unusual. I asked him to raise his arms. He could not raise his left arm nor his leg. Right away I called 911. He kept insisting that he would be fine and not to call 911. 

After the paramedics carried him out one of the paramedics told me it was probably the Bell's Palsy. We arrived at the hospital three blocks from the apartment within 20 minutes of calling 911. At the hospital they did a CATscan and we were told he had had a stroke on the right side of his frontal lobe. They could not perform the angioplasty at the hospital and he would need to be transferred to another hospital across town. We waited over an hour and a half for the transport to the new hospital and another 45 minutes for the neurosurgeon to speak with me about the surgery. The angioplasty is where they went in through an artery on the right side of his groin and insert a balloon tipped catheter that traveled up to the frontal lobe of his brain to dislodge the clot. After waiting nervously for an hour and a half, the surgeon came and told me the results of the surgery. They were able to remove sixty percent of the clot. The clot had broken off into three clots. The first clot had completely blocked the main artery. That was removed. The main artery then branches out into two smaller blood vessels. The larger of the two was also completely blocked and the clot was removed. The smaller vessel was also completely blocked but they were unable to remove the clot.

The area of the brain that was affected was his balance and coordination. They were not sure what lasting affect the stroke would have until it settled. As the stroke settled there was slight hemorrhaging.  The night after the surgery he was able to lift his arm, leg, and squeeze with his hand. As the stroke settled and the hemorrhaging stopped he lost all movement in his face, shoulder, arm, wrist, hand, fingers, ankle, foot and toes. It has now been just less than two weeks in rehab, still as an in-patient in the hospital, and we are worried sick. They are working like mad to get him to the point where he can climb the three flights to our apartment once he is released on the 29th of December. 

My husband has always been a relatively healthy person. He eats right for the most part and yet this stroke hit out of the blue. I have no idea what the next few weeks will bring. What I do know is that there is no Christmas at my house this year. Our son put the tree up himself and decorated it. He has been doing all of the laundry, dishes, taking care of the cats and really stepping up. It breaks my heart that I cannot give him a Christmas. I have not had the time to shop. Nor the money. My days are spent taking him to school at 6:30 am and spending the day at the hospital. I return for enough time to eat, talk to the boy for an hour or so and get up to do it all over again. I have to say, on a scale of 1 to 10 of suckiness, this is the worst Christmas I have ever had. And those include my first 15 years of life when I was not allowed to celebrate holidays.


I think the saddest thing is, no one has come to the hospital to see him. My aunt who is recovering from cancer wanted to come but I cannot let her take the risk of the Chicago winter after she has just finished with radiation and chemotherapy. Her immune system is not strong enough. One of my uncles said he was going to stop by but he has been sick. The only person who has really been here for me has been my BFF. She is more of a sister to me. She has been wonderful! She is even making Christmas Eve dinner and bringing it to the hospital so we can do what we always do for Christmas Eve, spend it together. I really don't know what I would have done without her help these past few weeks.

When is enough?

I am trying so desperately to find the spirit of the holiday season. I was to feel that there is hope or even a future for me. I checked the balance of my checking account and realized that there is enough for rent next month and that is it. My unemployment deposit doesn't come in until a week after rent is due. So between now and December 8th there is nothing. Words cannot even to begin to describe the despair in my very soul. I have never felt as much isolation and hopelessness as I do now. I really have no idea what I am going to do. I have been applying for jobs all over the city from cashier to maid. I have completely given up hope of ever using my education or certification again. I am truly at a place where I have nothing. I was always the positive one for others. Tried to let things slide off my back. A few set-backs never crushed me. But how do I not feel that way now? I was really doing good at the beginning of the year. I had some money saved for a down payment on a condo, a bank pre-approved mortgage, a small savings set aside for my sons education, student loans paid off every month for the past 6 years, and a job that I loved. I have never been well off but life was, for the first time, not a struggle.

This year has brought me a loss of my husbands job, my husband leaving me for a brief time, my sons onset of bipolar manic episodes, a loss of my job, and now total financial ruin. It is not even the type of ruin where you can find a small place and live modestly. It is complete ruin. Close to living on the streets ruin. I really don't know what to do. I have talked to my family and when I was asked by an uncle to let him know if there was anything he could do I begged him to get my husband a job at his company. My uncle is kind of high up at the company. His response was, just have him go to the website. Not, give me his resume and I'll talk to a few people. I went to the website and there is nothing my husband is qualified to do.

I am really at a loss. I keep trying to think that it can't get any worse, but then another punch in the stomach happens. I'm still trying to sell off all of my possessions on e-bay but it costs money to even post them. I haven't sold off enough of my things to even make a dent. I just want all of this to end. I really can't take anymore. I am beyond having hope for better things to come.

Christmas and Father

In Chicago we have a radio station that plays nothing but Christmas songs during the holiday season. It is always my favorite time of year. This year they started playing the Christmas music on the 11th of November. I cannot tell you how much that is a big boost to my sorrow. I longed for Christmas growing up. Every Christmas commercial or the old mash-ups they did with television shows singing carols would send me to tears with an aching heart. It wasn't about presents or "getting stuff" it was about the one thing that I felt was missing, family closeness and love. I didn't celebrate my first Christmas until I was 16 years old. 

The magic of childhood Christmas was not mine to have along with so many things. There are so many little things that people take for granted that mean the world to others. The two things that can really make my heart ache and bring on the tears, to this day, are Christmas movies and of all things, the movie "What a Girl Wants". I know it is a kid movie and there is a lot of silliness, but the theme of the film haunts me. The one thing this girl wants is to dance with her father, the father she has never known. When she meets her father she is an outsider in his life and not wanted by most of those around him. Of course in the end she gets what she has always dreamed of, a dance with her father. That is how I have always felt. The difference is, I am 41 and there is no dance in my future. 

When I met my father for the first time 11 years ago I was happy beyond words. I was so much him. He had a family with 3 daughters. I was like a distant cousin. My father was so important to me. I knew that I could never have childhood memories with him, bedtime stories, Christmas mornings, and feeling protected by Daddy. Nor could I have the adult milestone moments with him, the birth of my son or having my father give me away at my wedding, those were already completed before we met. But the two things I longed for I was to be denied. At his youngest daughters wedding I physically had to leave the "hall" as he had the father daughter dance. My heart hurt so badly. It was the only dance my father and I never offered one. 

The second thing was my graduating University. I worked so hard to finish my education degree. I called and spoke with my step-mother and told her how important it was for me to have my father there. She told me he could not travel that distance with his back. I said I understood, but then they began driving to Florida in the winter which is ever farther than the trip to Chicago. My place was solidified.

It is a difficult thing to come to terms with. A battle I still fight to this day, being second place or an afterthought. I always knew I was an afterthought in my mother's life. In fact, in most peoples lives. It just hurts when it happens when you are older. You are suppose to be stronger and built up an un-scalable wall.

My Christmas wish is to feel as if I matter, feel secure, have a home I can go to when my world is crashing down as it is now, to know that I am loved by some form of family. All I feel is the futility of existence. The only one keeping me together is my son. Who all too soon will not need me as he heads to college next year. It would not even be a blip on the radar in anyone's life if I were gone.

And I have to go to food pantries?

Member of state Prisoner Review Board on sick leave for 17 months

Roger Walker (George Thompson, Chicago Tribune / November 9, 2010)

By Steve Mills, Tribune reporter

7:46 p.m. CST, November 9, 2010

A former state prison director has worked just one day in the 17 months since he was appointed by Gov. Pat Quinn to a little-known but important state board that decides if inmates should be paroled, according to documents and interviews.

Roger Walker Jr. attended a half-day orientation but has been absent from every meeting of the full Illinois Prisoner Review Board except for one session about three weeks after his appointment in June 2009, records show.

He hasn't attended a single additional hearing or work session at a prison or the board offices in Springfield.

"I'm on sick leave," said Walker, who indicated he has heart, lung and stomach problems and needs the job for the health insurance. "So what's the deal? … These bills and stuff are just astronomical."

The governor's office said it was aware Walker had medical issues when he was appointed to the $85,886-a-year position, but officials did not believe his health would keep him from performing the work. State law allows the governor to remove a member of the Prisoner Review Board for neglect of duty or inability to serve, among other reasons, but Quinn has taken no action against Walker.

According to current board officials, Jorges Montes, while still chairman of the review board, told the governor's office about Walker's absences, hoping officials would find a solution to the problem. Montes declined to comment for this story.

Walker, who headed the Illinois Department of Corrections for six years before his appointment to the review board, said he had intended to fulfill his responsibilities when he took the job. But he confirmed in a telephone interview that he has been sick much of the time since his appointment and has not been able to do any work with the board. Walker said he spent several months last year at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and "almost died a few times."

The 15 members who make up the Prisoner Review Board share a range of responsibilities. They meet about once a month, sometimes twice, in either Chicago or Springfield to consider whether to release prisoners who received indeterminate sentences for violent crimes in the 1970s and earlier.

The board also meets to consider cases of people seeking clemency from the governor.

Members, working in panels of three, also travel to prisons across the state to hear parole violation cases as well as to set conditions of parole for the more than 25,000 inmates released each year. Those panels also hear disciplinary cases against inmates and decide whether to take away credits for good conduct.

The state considers it a full-time job, but board members said some weeks involve only three or four days of work — including travel time to prisons — depending on the caseload.

Still, the board's other 14 members have had to pick up the slack because of Walker's lengthy absences.

"The board needs someone who can put in the time and effort. If someone is physically unable to do the job, you have to let them go," said David Morrison, the deputy director of the Illinois Campaign for Political Reform, a not-for-profit backing government transparency. "The private sector deals with that all the time. You have to do what's for the good of the organization."

Walker's absences "undermine the board's critical work" in protecting public safety, said John Maki, coordinating director of the John Howard Association, a prison watchdog group in Chicago.

Adam Monreal, the board's chairman, said the board was trying to "figure out the best solution to the situation."

In a statement, Quinn's office said Walker's "life-threatening" health issues date to his appointment and the board has tried to find "solutions to accommodate" Walker. The governor's office said it was investigating "options to appropriately address Mr. Walker's situation while continuing to maintain the integrity of the review board's processes."

Alejandro Caffarelli, an attorney who specializes in employment law, said Walker would have little recourse if Quinn removed him from the board because as a political appointee he doesn't have the legal protections that a civil service employee would.

"There's no law that says you can't terminate someone because they don't show up for work," he said.

Current and former board members said they initially were pleased by Walker's appointment to the board, noting that his law enforcement and corrections experience would be helpful. Walker had once been sheriff of a county downstate. But his absences, they said, have shifted more work to them. They are frustrated, too, that the Quinn administration has failed to deal with the matter.

"It's not fair to be a burden on taxpayers when you're not doing anything," said one current member, who like others spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of angering the Quinn administration and losing his appointment. "We're being stretched real thin down here. I understand that he's sick, but the system tolerates it."

Bell's Palsy and the Blues

Friday evening my husbands smile seemed a little slanted to the left side. It was very minor and we did not worry about it. By Saturday his whole left side was drooping. He could not blink or close his left eye too well. His speech became difficult as only half of his mouth was moving. We were very worried. He had a scheduled visit for Wednesday to see his Doctor. A wonderful man who is charging us very little until we have insurance again. I called his Doctor and told him about what was going on. The Doctor told me to get him to the hospital right away. He had me do a few tests over the phone and the Doctor felt it was Bell's Palsy but my husband still needed to see a Doctor immediately. Our Doctor told us to go to Cook County even though we live, literally 2 blocks from the hospital we see our Doctor at. He even told me if we went to the hospital by the house it could cost us thousands.

We went to Cook County Hospital where they confirmed Bell's Palsy. My poor husband who has always been the take charge man was letting me take care of him and get him to the hospital and be the take charge of the situation. The Bell's Palsy (which I will describe below) will now leave his face paralyzed for 3-6 months. Our hopes of continued job hunting are now up in smoke. My husband can barely speak. There is no way we can have him go to interviews. 

Yesterday I had to take him to the eye Doctor because of the incredible pain in his eye due to the paralysis. That was $75 for the visit and the Doctor was kind enough to give us samples rather than writing a prescription. He told my husband that his Bell's Palsy was pretty severe. 

No money, no means of looking for a job and now my Doctor called me and left a message on Friday saying that she has some test results from me that were very concerning. My last test were taken in June before I lost my insurance. I remember getting blood drawn and not seeing the Doctor again because I could not afford the visit. I am so beyond tired. There is just a constant barrage of insanity dumped on me. I seriously do not know how much more I can stand. I cannot call until tomorrow for my Doctor. She does not have office hours on Tuesday. Meanwhile, I am still unemployed, have no resources and a family that I have told my situation to but seem to have more pressing things to worry about. I understand my aunt who is going through cancer treatment  and her family are pre-occupied. But I have 10 aunts and uncles and not one has offered to help me or check in on me. I am really on my way to an early grave.

Bell's Palsy

Bell's palsy is a form of temporary facial paralysis resulting from damage or trauma to the facial nerves. The facial nerve-also called the 7th cranial nerve-travels through a narrow, bony canal (called the Fallopian canal) in the skull, beneath the ear, to the muscles on each side of the face. For most of its journey, the nerve is encased in this bony shell.

Each facial nerve directs the muscles on one side of the face, including those that control eye blinking and closing, and facial expressions such as smiling and frowning. Additionally, the facial nerve carries nerve impulses to the lacrimal or tear glands, the saliva glands, and the muscles of a small bone in the middle of the ear called the stapes. The facial nerve also transmits taste sensations from the tongue.
When Bell's palsy occurs, the function of the facial nerve is disrupted, causing an interruption in the messages the brain sends to the facial muscles. This interruption results in facial weakness or paralysis.

Bell's palsy is named for Sir Charles Bell, a 19th century Scottish surgeon who was the first to describe the condition. The disorder, which is not related to stroke, is the most common cause of facial paralysis. Generally, Bell's palsy affects only one of the paired facial nerves and one side of the face, however, in rare cases, it can affect both sides.

Symptoms of Bell's palsy can vary from person to person and range in severity from mild weakness to total paralysis.  These symptoms may include twitching, weakness, or paralysis on one or rarely both sides of the face.  Other symptoms may include drooping of the eyelid and corner of the mouth, drooling, dryness of the eye or mouth, impairment of taste, and excessive tearing in one eye. Most often these symptoms, which usually begin suddenly and reach their peak within 48 hours, lead to significant facial distortion.
Other symptoms may include pain or discomfort around the jaw and behind the ear, ringing in one or both ears, headache, loss of taste, hypersensitivity to sound on the affected side, impaired speech, dizziness, and difficulty eating or drinking.

Bell's palsy occurs when the nerve that controls the facial muscles is swollen, inflamed, or compressed, resulting in facial weakness or paralysis. Exactly what causes this damage, however, is unknown.

Many scientists believe that viral infections such as the virus the causes cold sore virus -- herpes simplex -- can cause the disorder. They believe that the facial nerve swells and becomes inflamed in reaction to the infection, causing pressure within the Fallopian canal and leading to ischemia (the restriction of blood and oxygen to the nerve cells).  In some mild cases (where recovery is rapid), there is damage only to the myelin sheath of the nerve.  The myelin sheath is the fatty covering-which acts as an insulator-on nerve fibers in the brain.

The disorder has also been associated with influenza or a flu-like illness, headaches, chronic middle ear infection, high blood pressure, diabetes, sarcoidosis, tumors, Lyme disease, and trauma such as skull fracture or facial injury.
 

The prognosis for individuals with Bell's palsy is generally very good.  The extent of nerve damage determines the extent of recovery.  Improvement is gradual and recovery times vary.  With or without treatment, most individuals begin to get better within 2 weeks after the initial onset of symptoms and most recover completely, returning to normal function within 3 to 6 months.  For some, however, the symptoms may last longer.  In a few cases, the symptoms may never completely disappear.  In rare cases, the disorder may recur, either on the same or the opposite side of the face.

My Starry Eyes

 I was driving this morning and had  XRT on the radio. I laughed with joy as this song was played. I hadn't thought of or heard this song in almost 20 years! One thing is for sure, The Records, should have had more of a success here then they did. The song Starry Eyes is simplistically, complicatedly, wonderful. Thanks for the flashback of youth guys!

I tried linking the video from youtube, it was being difficult. Sorry. The premiere of the song took place in a shop window and was filmed. Before the MTV days or videos. It was great to see the crowd gathering for this oddity.
 

Starry Eyes-By The Records

While you were off in France, we were stranded in the British Isles.

Left to fall apart amongst your passports and your files.

We never asked for miracles, but they were our concern.

Did you really think we'd sit it out and wait for your return?


I don't want to argue. I ain't gonna budge.

Won't you take this number down before you call up the judge?

I don't want to argue. There's nothing to say.

Get me out of your starry eyes and be on your way!


While you were on the beach, were you dreaming all about your share?

Planning to invest it all to cover wear and tear?

We paid for all the phone calls. The money's off the shelf.

Don't you know that while you're gone away, I've got to help myself?


I don't want to argue. I ain't gonna budge.

Won't you take this number down before you call up the judge?

I don't want to argue. There's nothing to say.

Get me out of your starry eyes and be on your way!


While you were in the pool, we were meeting with the boys upstairs,

Talking to the money men, and carrying out affairs.

We had no time for cocktails, or working up a tan.

The boys have all been spoken to. The writ has hit the fan.


I don't want to argue. I ain't gonna budge.

Won't you take this number down before you call up the judge?

I don't want to argue. There's nothing to say.

Get me out of your starry eyes and be on your way

Amend the Illinois Constitution for what again?

On my 18th Birthday I did three things:

Celebrate my Birthday
Get a tattoo
Register to vote

All three things on the list were forbidden to me growing up. Though I feel a sense of exhilaration for those three acts, done over 20 years ago, my most profound was registering to vote. I find it unbelievable that in a country like the USA so few people actually exercise this right. I was speaking to my son last night about voting yesterday and he informed me that on his 18th Birthday in a few months he will be registering to vote and getting a tattoo. I have always tried to instill a sense of social and civil responsibility in him. When I see what is happening to our country it makes me weep.

While I was voting yesterday there was a ballot initiative to vote on amending the Illinois Constitution. I had to reread the question twice. The question asked if we should amend the Constitution to have a Governor removed by special election. What a complete waste of taxpayers money. Of course the initiative was passed at about 70%. Just because you don't like a Governor or they are of the opposing party affiliation as you, you can now vote them out of office? That is silly. What do you do when you don't like an ELECTED Governor? Suck it up, wait out the four year term, and vote them out of office. This is now going to turn it into a circus sideshow. I just don't understand what happened to patience and dealing with something you do not like. Democrats in Illinois had Republican Governors for 24+ years in a row until Rod Blagovitch was elected. I am sure Democrats were not happy, but they sucked it up. Just like Republicans had to suck up having President Bill Clinton in office for 8 years. Guess what? Both Democrats and Republicans survived their own "ordeals". Life went on. Why now, do we need to have special elections? After only 4 years? I just don't get it.

Court Intrigue

My Grandmother was brought back to the hospital yesterday. One of my aunts called me and I spent the late afternoon/early evening with my aunt and an uncle that showed up later. It was a very difficult day because of my Grandmothers condition. We were told that she needed a pace maker and that it was non-intrusive surgery. The time spent with my aunt and uncle was nice. It had been years since I spent any time with them. We were able to make my Grandmother feel good and loved.

Why then should I feel like I am dealing with Medici intrigue? When I got home my other uncle called me to see how my Grandmother was doing. All I know is that he is her son and that he loves her. I updated him about her situation. The next thing I know, my uncle who has power of attorney is calling me in the morning pissed off because I told the other uncle what was happening. I have been told my entire life that I am only a niece and that I cannot have any say. That is fine. If there are issues among my aunts and uncles, I am not in the loop. All I know is that my Grandmother is sick and if one of her children calls me concerned about her I let them know what is going on. I was only trying to do the right thing. For that I was berated and will probably be barred from contact yet again. There is so much high drama going on behind the scenes that I have no privy to. The only thing I know is right, is I love my Grandma. I want her to be happy and comfortable. The last thing I would ever want to cause is stress in her life. I will go back to being solitary. I am so use to it. I will fondly keep my childhood memories to myself and live, as I have lived, without support, caring, or concern from a family.

No Link Card for You

I received my letter from DHS and was told that I make too much in unemployment, by $100 a month to be entitled to any food assistance. WTF am I suppose to do now? One unemployment check doesn't even cover rent. I thought I would have some food assistance so maybe I could pay my utilities too. I am so screwed.

The Toughest Grandma

My Grandmother has been in the hospital for over two weeks, only two blocks from my house. I adore my Grandmother. She is the strongest toughest woman I know. My family did not tell me she was in the hospital for almost three days. Since I am unemployed I have been spending most days, all day long, with my Grandmother. What I can't understand is why I was the only one there most days. My Grandmother had twelve children. Excluding the one who passed away and the ones who live out of state, there should have been more people there. When my family is there the drama ensues. It is always about money, Grandma's money. My Grandfather managed to start a family just before he went off to WWII. When he returned he build a strong career as a carpenter and managed to feed and house all of his children. By the time my Grandfather passed away, through frugal savings he secured enough money for my Grandmother to have for the rest of her life and to have a little for each of his children.

My sweet Grandmother wants one thing, to live with family. She was married for 62 years and always had a house full of family. Now in her 85th year she is living alone in Assisted Living where she rarely wants to leave bed. When she does wake up long enough for visitors all she talks about is being done with life. She is so lonely. Living with family would make her happy. How is it that the one uncle who would take her in the family has a problem with? The rest of her children want her in a home. It breaks my heart. I rent a 3rd floor apartment and am unemployed. I would take my Grandmother in a heartbeat, for her, if I could. It breaks my heart to see everything as a dollar or cent thing. My Grandmother gave life to this family and the family cannot take care of her? Let's not forget, the money issue. They want to quibble over who is getting what of my Grandparents money. I told my Grandparents years ago (yes even 10 years ago they were fighting over my Grandparents money) that they should leave the money to research for Frontal Lobe Dementia or for Suicide Prevention. One to help prevent other families from feeling the pain as we did for the loss of our beloved Chris or to find more treatment possibilities for others as here is no real treatment for Charley right now. It would serve them all right. Of course, they are the children and parents will do all that they can for their children.

When I attempt to make a suggestion I am told that my voice does not count as I am only a niece and have no say. I am trying to be the voice for my Grandmother. I only hope that when I am old my son will remember how my Grandmothers family acted and treat me with a little more dignity.

Checklist for Overwhelming Depression and Despondency

Checklist for overwhelming depression and despondency:

---Lose job, check
 

---Send out hundreds of resumes and have only a hand full of interviews that lead nowhere, check
 

---Wait at Food Stamp office twice for hours on end with no food stamps yet given, check
 

---Go to Food Pantry to receive food, check
 

---Have bill collectors calling everyday, check
 

---Pay $190 for one prescription because of no health insurance, check
 

---Applying and still waiting for MediCaid, check
 

---Find out your father was rushed to the hospital because of a post on his daughters Facebook asking her friends to pray for him, check
 

---Finding out your Grandmother (from your mother's side) has been in the hospital for 3 days, in serious condition, just down the street from where you live, but none of your aunts or uncles bothered to tell you until the "black sheep" uncle found out last night, check
 

---Weeping uncontrollably every morning wondering just how deep this hole will get and what the point is of going on, check

When someone is feeling hopeless about their situation, the last thing they should ever feel is last in peoples lives. I have always felt like a consolation prize, second class citizen, growing up. The way I was raised affected me throughout my adult life. My mothers family and my own mother treated me as an afterthought. When I met my father at the age of 30 I knew I would never have the father/daughter relationship with him that I dreamed of my whole life. I love my Dad. But when you get comments from his daughters about how you look like a distant cousin (I look more like him than any of his daughters), being called illegitimate by his youngest, being ignored as a nothing from his younger 2, and finding out he was in the hospital because of a posting asking friends to pray for him on his older daughters facebook, it solidifies my place and value in his families lives. 

Now my Grandmother, who was like a mother to me, is in the hospital, only two blocks away, and no one called or told me. These aunts that told me they loved me. These relatives that cried buckets when Chris died have no compassion or love for me. I realize that one of my aunts is going through cancer treatment. She has more on her mind than anyone else. But the rest of my family knows about my situation and I have not received a single phone call to check in on me. My uncle Chester is the only one who calls to check in. He is in the same jobless situation I am in. He is the one who tells me when something happens in the family. I am at the lowest point in my life and friends and family are nowhere to be found.

My best friend called three weeks ago and wanted to take me out to tell me all about her trip and to give me a gift she was excited about. How do you explain to people that you don't want to be out? The only filmstrip on the projector in your brain is the ever expanding hole of hell that is your life? I can't sit and smile over a cup of coffee having small talk. How can I do that when I can't get through a meal without weeping? I feel like the homeless person that everyone passes and ignores. Who knows, maybe people are just waiting for this whole pesky poor thing ends in my life so I won't be so poor and pathetic. My days of plastic are over. I use to say every morning before I left for work that I was on. My days of being on are over. This has hurt me more than financially, it has hurt me spiritually. I always knew that the support system most people take for granted, I have never known. I do not know what a safety net is. If I loose this apartment and become homeless, there is no Mommy or Daddy's house to run to and live till I'm on my feet. I am all I have.

Food Pantries and Link Cards-Part 2

I am lucky that I had enough of regular baking supplies and food stuffs to combine with the fruits and vegetables I received from the Lakeview Food Pantry. The bananas were VERY ripe as are most of the perishables. I was able to make a killer Banana Loaf using less than half a cup of brown sugar and will make a really nice stir fry with the veggies. The accounts are now down to $20 in the checking. I will get my unemployment on Wednesday which will be $85 less than the cost of my rent. I talk about insanity. My head is ready to explode.

I thought about donations. I really hate asking anyone for anything but I bit the bullet. I created a donation account. Who knows, maybe, just maybe I can make rent this month. I won't even think about the lovely letter from my student loans I got in the mail today. Having a roof over my families head is more important. The link to donate is on the right side of this blog. Wish me luck.

Food Pantries and Link Cards

On a scale of 1 to 10 for days of humbling and defeat, today is a 100. This morning I had to get to the LINK office to have my interview for food stamps. After waiting in line for 2 hours I was told they would have to reschedule me. During my wait the woman standing next to me struck up a conversation. Come to find out she was also a displaced teacher. It was surreal to me to be standing in line for a hand out and discussing the impact of the film Schindler's List. Another woman stood beside us and began talking to us. She was an elderly lady who lived with her recently disabled son in Wrigleyville. She began explaining all of the different programs available out there. She mentioned a Food Pantry in Sheridan Park. I left the office in Wicker Park feeling horrible. I was ashamed and coming to full grips of what my situation truly is.

After stopping home I went to the Food Pantry. I waited there for two hours. While waiting I ran into the lady that suggested the pantry to me. It was like running into an acquaintance on the street while window shopping. As I sat there I became more and more despondent. How did my life end up this way? I am an educated woman who had a normal life doing a job she loved, teaching. Now I am the one collecting unemployment and food pantry items. At 41, this is not suppose to be my life. I weathered being a single mother of a new born going to school, working full time and never having a hand out. Now that I have the education, certification, and experience I should be at LEAST in the same place that I was when my son was born. I officially drained all that was once my savings to make my car payment today. I haven't paid my student loan for 2 months. I am sinking so fast I cannot take a breath. 

The kicker is, CPS announced today that they will be paying bonuses to teachers that have brought up their students test scores in as they call them "hard to staff" school. What is a hard to staff school? One that has 98% of the student body that is low income. That is exactly what I was doing for the past 4 years teaching. This past year I raised the percentile points of my class by 12, which is HUGE. 

Why oh why did I ever want to teach? I am in such horrible shape because of it. I had a job prior to teaching that I liked. I wanted to follow a dream which has become the biggest nightmare of my life.

It's funny, when you are on a downward spiral people scatter. I guess I understand. Who wants to be around a person who is in a constant state of depression and anxiousness? People have their own problems and lives to deal with. All I know is that I was once an educator who cared about her students and their lives. I was always the one who was there with packages of instant noodles for my high school kids when I knew they wouldn't have food at home. I can't tell how many times I have given my own lunch to my students when they were hungry. That's just what you do. Now it is me who is close to homelessness. I have never been as terrified as I am right now.

Too bad I can't have my own charity. That would be nice. I am always giving a dollar at the grocery store check out for some charity or another. It would sure be nice to have a charity of "Save the Displaced Teacher from Homelessness"  that Dominicks or Jewel collects for.

Is it just me?: TPS Reports

Is it just me?: TPS Reports: "When I was offered my first teaching position I had to leave behind a company, job, and most importantly an awesome boss in a technology com..."

Racial profiling?

My sister came to visit me yesterday. She was so excited to go down Devon Avenue and visit the Indian shops. She has been doing Mehndi's (the art of practice of painting elaborate patterns on the skin with henna.) for a few years now at street festivals and is actually quite good. She has been ordering Sari's online as it is often difficult to find a good selection (if any) in Richmond. In addition to that she wanted to find fresh henna for her craft.

Though shopping for me is like visiting the dentist I was happy to spend time with her. Diwali (A major Hindu religious festival, honoring Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth. Held over the New Year according to the Vikrama calendar, it is marked by feasting, gifts, and the lighting of lamps.) is coming up so the area was alive with activity. The first shop we went into set the tone for me for the rest of the shopping experience. What involves me shopping with others is a lot of standing around and waiting for the other person. I am not a window shopper. As I have no money to spend the appeal of "looking around" is not there. I am not a shopper. The moment we walked into the bustling Sari shop one of the ladies who worked there was on us like glue. She literally stood within five feet of us the entire time we were at the shop.


Though the store was filled with customers, we were the only non-Indian customers. The rest of the customers were left to shop, sans hovering. It was so irritating! The kept pushing her to try on the shirt she was holding in her hand while she wanted to look a little more first. It was hot, stuffy, and rude in the store. My sister didn't even notice as she was so happy to be experiencing such a plethora of new and accessible items for her business and personal use. 


I love the Indian culture and people. I have grown up in a very eclectic part of Chicago where I have had the pleasure of being within a few miles of the Indian stretch of Devon in West Ridge, the Korean market place in Albany Park, Vietnamese area of Uptown, the now former German area of Lincoln Square, the now former Greek area in Budlong Woods, the list goes on. Chicago is an amazing city where all cultures are represented and celebrated. One can be a world traveler without ever leaving the city. 

Prior to this experience, I have found the Indian people to be so warm and welcoming. After this experience, it has proven that there are jerks in every walk of life. When I return to the area for my black tooth powder (so much easier than making it yourself), incense, or incredibly fresh spices, I will make sure to avoid that shop. The funny thing is, I have been wanting to purchase a Sari for years. Not the fancy dress up Sari's, but the everyday Sari's. I find them to be so beautiful and flattering. They actually had some nice items at reasonable prices. My dollars will go where I am not followed around the store with someone literally breathing down my neck.  

Is it just me?: Quote of the day: 9/04/2010

Is it just me?: Quote of the day: 9/04/2010: "'Everybody wants to be a cat. Because a cats the only Cat who knows where it's at.'-The Aristcats"

Is it just me?: Ya wanna sack fur it?

Is it just me?: Ya wanna sack fur it?: "'Ya wanna sack fur it?'-Being from Chicago I had no idea what this Bagger was talking about. A sack is: 'a large bag of strong, coarsely wov..."

Frontal Lobe Dementia part 2

There was such a demand for the frontal lobe dementia information I posted. It really did my heart good to see that there are other people out there struggling to get information on this subject. 

As for the update on my uncle Charley, now 42, his conditions are deteriorating slowly. On good days he can work. As the emotional control part of his brain is shutting off, it is sometimes difficult for those closest to him. We love and support him. 

Horrible job market

This has been a horrible time to find a job. I have been going crazy looking for a job. I have given up the dream of teaching and have gone back to searching for jobs I've done before and also ones I am capable of doing. The latest craze among employers is to not even consider someone who doesn't already have a job. That is insane. People who already have jobs HAVE a JOB. The people unemployed are the ones really hurting for one. I am getting really scared about this job situation. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have student loans I was still paying off or a child entering his final year of high school. We could probably manage better. It seems every month I am deciding which bill can be paid late. Waiting for the final notice until sending in a payment. That has never been me. I was the one who had their bills paid on time and early. Now it's not even hand to mouth.

I have to just keep my mood positive that we can get through this.  I have never felt so unsure about having a place to live or food on the table in my life. Even when I was working 2 or 3 minimum wage jobs in my youth. I am scared.

Semantics

I never understood why, when people are going on next to no sleep, instead of going to bed, have a short fuse and argue about things that would not seem as severe without a good sleep. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a person who likes arguing. Heck, I don't even like to haggle over prices. All I desire is peace and tranquility. Some people who argue when fatigued seem to have a habit of using hurtful word choices like when something said by the other is an emotional fact they use the phrase "You contend to..." If you bring that to their attention that you are hurt over their words, they will tell you that you are arguing semantics. After they upset you they close the door and leave you to stew. Some days I think it is better to just stay in bed.

Senior year

Yesterday my son registered for his senior year of high school. He insisted on registering himself so that he will know how to do it. Even though he went to every registration with me for the past 11 you would think he would have known. I realize it was an independence thing. He told me when I dropped him off "Mom, I need to know how to do this for when I get to college. This is my first time registering for myself." I replied, "But honey, this is the last time I will be able to register you." In the end of course I let him register himself.

As I drove away from the school, my heart was so heavy. This was my baby, the greatest love of my life, ready to explore the great unknown without me. His journey is just beginning. Our journey together is slowly ending. I want him to have a wonderful adult life. It just hurts to know that the closeness we have will change and then as he gets older, has his own family, will grow distant.

I would have never thought I would be here, in this role, mother. I still remember the months leading up to finding out I was pregnant. I was going to the gym six nights a week, working full time, going out to see bands and living a pretty selfish life. I had come to the conclusion that I would never have children. I liked my single life.

Flash forward to December 8th. I still remember it so vividly. When the doctor told me I was pregnant I cried for 3 hours. I was not in the early stages of pregnancy. I was a full 5 months pregnant. I was told on that day that my life was going to change in 4 short months.

My life changed in ways I could never imagine. He has been the best thing to ever happen to my life. I love that boy like I have never thought I could love. Now my baby is almost a man and will find adventure and life. I find myself looking at things that remind me of his younger self all of the time. We were at Target yesterday and I saw a tricycle that he would have loved at that age. He scoffed it off but I pictured that big eyed blond headed little boy staring up at me with happiness.

I am happy, grateful, and full of awe at this life that has been shared with me for the past 17 years.

Bonsoiree

I am having dinner tonight at Bonsoiree. To be quite honest, it fills me with a bit of nervousness. For years I have wanted to join the DAR's but due to my lack of initiative, I have not. I suppose what has held me back is the fact that my parents were not married. I realize that times have changed, and that it is more socially acceptable. But I still come from a childhood filled with the word Bastard being used for it's original meaning against me. It was quite a stigma growing up, not to mention the double whammy of my mother being a lesbian. I have feared rejection of the organization that my grandfather and great-grandfather were affiliated with, the SAR's.

Membership into this organization is a big deal for me. I have loved my family's history. I have spent my adult life doing research on branches that have trailed off. I have been able to piece together my German ancestry to Illinois with the first birth of our German ancestors here when the state was only 21 years old.

I am meeting one of the ladies of the DAR's that I have developed a friendship with over the years. My fear is that of rejection into a society that my beloved Grandfather was a member of for 30 years. We are humble people with a minor history in this country, but to me it is as long and true as any Jefferson or Washington.

I know it sounds posh. It does have a posh factor. But that is not the reason for wanting this. It is for the family history. My Grandfather always told me that "You are born with only your name. It is your job to keep that name with honor and respect."

On a Roll

It seems after a two year hiatus I am having difficulty not writing.

Now that the initial shock and sadness over the last two years has worn away I can again begin to focus on writing. I really miss teaching. I loved seeing faces that were glad to see me everyday. The trust a child has that you are a constant in their lives when madness is all around the rest of the city.

I just read in the Chicago Tribune yesterday that last month we had 303 shootings in the city. School was the one place these kids can go to that is stable, a constant. The teachers I had in school were fixtures. We expected and saw the same faces everyday. These poor kids today will not have the same luxury.

There are so many excellent Teachers that have been burned by a system that scapegoats teachers as bloodsucking leaches on taxpayers dime. It is so far from the truth. American schools are loosing a generation of Teachers that wanted to make a difference in the lives of children and the world.

Percentile Points

It's funny, we were told all during the school year that we had to bring our student's ISAT percentile points up. I worked so hard with my Reading class and brought up my percentile points up, not the standard across the board 4 points but a whopping 12 percentile points. My CPS Teacher Report Card has me at 5 percentile points higher than the city's and yet I was told that my pedagogy was not to the curriculum of the school's.

Funny how my position (Did I mention I was just a few months away from being tenured?)was given to a favorite of the Principal who is not endorsed nor qualified to teach my subject. I really hate office politics. You work so hard to make something of your life. Over come obstacles just to be shown the door.

2 Years???

Has it really been 2 years since my last post? It seems like an eternity. It was difficult posting during those years teaching on the southside as much of my time was filled with travel.

As of June 18th this year I seem to have an abundance of free time. Chicago laid off hundreds of teachers at the end of this past school year, I was one of them. I went from having a job I loved doing, health insurance, security for my family and a real chance at possibly owning my own home for the first time to unemployment, figuring out which bill I have to pay this month and which one I can put off to be sure to make rent this month.

I have worked full time since the age of 15. Often working 2 jobs at a time. This is the first time in 25 years I have not had at least one job. It is very frightening. I really wanted this last year of high school to be a good one for the boy. Filled with excitement, not anxiety.

Funny, I had just begun a savings program of my own at the beginning of this year. I was putting away into savings $150 a paycheck and $50 a paycheck into the boys saving account. It is that money we have been living off of. Funny, that was going to be the down payment money for a home of our own.

What a horrible time to be a teacher. God forbid if you are a new teacher in the city of Chicago.