What a "Cat"

I took a feline quiz, seeing as how I am part cat, and was amazed at who I was most like as a cat:




You're the Pink Panther. Suave and sophisticated, you enjoy your superiority and your natural grace. Though to some, this attitude makes you appear arrogant, most people are attracted by it rather than turned off. You especially enjoy being in the social spotlight. It just doesn't get any better than this.

http://www.quizilla.com/users/laur/quizzes/


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Am I really this bad?

Drug Awareness Month

As it is Drug Awareness month at my school I chose to do something a little different than I normally do. Usually I write a quote for each theme from a President or famous person as it relates to the topic. Though I find them amusing and witty, it is not always the case with my students. This month was a little different.

The following is the quote I put on the board:

Needlework the way, never you betray
life of death becoming clearer
Pain monopoly, ritual misery
chop your breakfast on a mirror
Taste me you will see
more is all you need
you're dedicated to
how I'm killing you

It sparked an interest in the class. One of my students told me the following, "That shit's like Shakespeare. All poetic and shit." I made a vow to e-mail Metallica, the authors of one of the best anti-drug songs of my generation. My students are hardcore Rap lovers. The thought of these kids liking the lyrics and wanting to know where it was from was awesome. Of course when they found out there was a quiet pause.

Ah, the joys of introducing Metal to students without them knowing.....

What a Mother is....

My mother just left yet another message I have yet to return. It is so difficult. I often think of calling to let her know I do not hate her but I cannot live with the toxic side of being in her life but I cannot. As soon as I start talking to her the vicious cycle starts all over again. She will refuse to admit she chose her girlfriends over me. Refuse to accept responsibility for the insanity that was my youth. If she could just admit it was her choices and not that of the current flavor of her life maybe things could begin to heal. As soon as we begin talking again she not only brings up past wounds but then wants to rub salt in the wounds by passive aggressively blaming everything from the religion I was raised in (different nightmare for another day) to my grandparents to her exes.

Of all that I endured from her the only lesson she ever taught was how not to parent. That and to read to my son every night. She did do that once and awhile. Because of that I have read to my son every night, no matter what, until he could read on his own. Now he brings books like Java, and Macromedia manuals to bed before he sleeps. I have so tried to be the bigger person and call but I cannot. It has gotten me so desperate to leave that hurt and pain behind that I do not even talk to my family. I have been told more than once that I am just a niece and she is their sister. I am wrong for hurting her by not talking to her. I had one aunt yell at me over my Grandfathers death bed because my mother cried to her that I am not speaking to her. These are the same relatives I begged to live with when I was young. Begged because my mother was insane, in a cult and constantly left me with evil people of the religion so she could lust after someone new. I begged these people when her girlfriend hit me over the head with a cast iron frying pan and I told my mother I couldn't live like that. Either she left or I would. My mother told me, a daughter of 15, to have a nice life, so I moved. It took 3 years and the girlfriend being gone before my mother would speak to me. And who's fault was it? You guessed it, the girlfriends.

Still I weep for the mother I never had. The father I never knew and the Grandmother I have not seen because it hurts. I just want to have 15 minutes of a normal childhood. The things most people take for granted. Now I have a son I adore and a husband who is so good to me. The last thing I want is for that to be destroyed by the chaos that would begin if she were in my life.

I feel so horrible about not talking to her. The thought of hurting someone else tears me apart but the peace I feel is good. It only comes to surface when she calls. My father said I should make peace or I will regret it when she's dead. He is the last person I expected to say that about her but that is the type of person he is. It's always so hard.

A New Year

Sister was in town for 5 days. This was the one pic that we took during that time together. Spent New Years Day taking her to Clark Street and Belmont to see the sites. It was a whole Yin and Yang thing in the Alley. She was into the incense and holistic stuff, I was and still am a Headbanger. Adored seeing the Sex Pistols lunch box. Almost bought it for the boy but knew he'd get in trouble at the religious school for it.

3 more days till work begins again. Just hope the blood pressure can maintain. It's been alright so far. That is after 6 different meds. They'll probably change it tomorrow at my appointment.

I sure have missed my fellow faculty members. We all needed a break from the school but it will feel nice to be part of a team again.

A Quiet Moment

My pc caught a virus and I have been off line for the past week and a half. It took all of that time to move files, reformat the hard drive, and re-install the operating system. Finally the old girl is up and running. Still missing some drivers for audio but I can live with that.

On top of that I have had a visitor for the past 4 days I have had a visitor, my sister from Virginia. We spent New Years Eve in the hospital. She is fine but when it comes to health you can never take chances.

I am trying so hard to get back to some sense of normal here. She is leaving tomorrow morning so at least the boy will get his bed back. I know it's hard having guests. She'd offered to sleep on the couch but she sleeps late and it puts everything on hold.

Good news is, after trying 6 different medications from the doctor and increasing the dosage several times, my blood pressure was 128/85 last night. It felt pretty good to have it look normal. Now if I can keep it that way I'll be in pretty good shape.

I was looking over my Goals list for 2006 and am happy to say that out of the 25 things I had on the list I completed 9. I wish it could have been more. I'm still torn if I should count #1 on my list. Find a job I love. See, I love teaching but I do not have a job I love. I love my students but I have no benefits, the salary is very low compared with public schools, and the hours of time in the building are longer than required by public schools. I already get to work at 7 am but they require you to stay till 3 everyday. So, does it count if I love what I do but not where I do it?

My biggest success from the list was creating a savings box. I made a box with a small slit in it and sealed it. I vowed to put in a dollar a day for the whole year of 2006. I would also throw in pocket change and an extra dollar or 2 every once and a while. I finally opened the box yesterday and was amazed that I had over $600 in the box! It was so hard not to open it for the whole year but I was sure glad I didn't. I am so proud of myself. Of course the tellers at the bank today will not be so happy to see me walk in today, especially with $12 worth of pennies.

2006 was not a great year but it sure could have been a hell of a lot worse.

Christmas Eve....

Well, it's Christmas Eve, dinner is cooking, husband is working around the house, boy is reading in his room and me, I am trying to stay awake. The meds not only get me dizzy but make me sleep, constantly. I am so tired of being tired. I feel as if I do so little and when I do it is not good enough.

2 whole weeks off are going to be a much needed break. My biggest fear is that I may not be able to go back to that place. It feels like when I worked at Jewel 20 years ago. Just sitting, staring at the clock, and unable to move to go to work. I don't want to be that way but is is getting so had with all of the insanity I have seen in the past few days.

1-Last Wednesday, 2 students tried to throw a girl out of my classroom window.

2-Last Thursday, I get dizzy and almost pass out during class. Head punding, vision blurry.

3-Last Saturday-I go to the Doctor and was almost admitted to the hospital for 205/130 blood pressure due to stress.

3-Last Saturday-Was given blood pressure med and stress meds.

4-All last week-Meds make me dizzy and sleepy all of the time.

5-Monday-Was informed that one of my best new students was killed at a park while playing basketball. Wrong place at the wrong time.

6-Tuesday-20+ students jump on one student in the cafeteria. 6 squad cars, lock down, and several arrests later 6th and 7th period was to continue though all classes were filled with caged tigers.

After all of that in less than a 7 day span, I am so freaking tired it is not even funny. I just hope I can physically drag myself back on the 8th.

Last year during the Christmas break the computer lab was broken into and all of the pc's in the school were stolen. That is all I need to go back to, a repeat of last year. Teaching computer class will be futile if that is the case.

So now, as the evening winds down and Goddess of the Nevermind is expected, a smile will be painted, tree already trimmed and swallow back the saddness for civilization that I have.

The Spirit of Christmas

I have a love hate with this cartoon. Sometimes they are hysterical and other times too boring for words.

This sums up X-Mas.