Christmas Eve....

Well, it's Christmas Eve, dinner is cooking, husband is working around the house, boy is reading in his room and me, I am trying to stay awake. The meds not only get me dizzy but make me sleep, constantly. I am so tired of being tired. I feel as if I do so little and when I do it is not good enough.

2 whole weeks off are going to be a much needed break. My biggest fear is that I may not be able to go back to that place. It feels like when I worked at Jewel 20 years ago. Just sitting, staring at the clock, and unable to move to go to work. I don't want to be that way but is is getting so had with all of the insanity I have seen in the past few days.

1-Last Wednesday, 2 students tried to throw a girl out of my classroom window.

2-Last Thursday, I get dizzy and almost pass out during class. Head punding, vision blurry.

3-Last Saturday-I go to the Doctor and was almost admitted to the hospital for 205/130 blood pressure due to stress.

3-Last Saturday-Was given blood pressure med and stress meds.

4-All last week-Meds make me dizzy and sleepy all of the time.

5-Monday-Was informed that one of my best new students was killed at a park while playing basketball. Wrong place at the wrong time.

6-Tuesday-20+ students jump on one student in the cafeteria. 6 squad cars, lock down, and several arrests later 6th and 7th period was to continue though all classes were filled with caged tigers.

After all of that in less than a 7 day span, I am so freaking tired it is not even funny. I just hope I can physically drag myself back on the 8th.

Last year during the Christmas break the computer lab was broken into and all of the pc's in the school were stolen. That is all I need to go back to, a repeat of last year. Teaching computer class will be futile if that is the case.

So now, as the evening winds down and Goddess of the Nevermind is expected, a smile will be painted, tree already trimmed and swallow back the saddness for civilization that I have.

The Spirit of Christmas

I have a love hate with this cartoon. Sometimes they are hysterical and other times too boring for words.

This sums up X-Mas.

Reality In The Inner City

This morning when I got to school I was informed that one of my new students was killed. This boy was a quiet kid. Within the 2 weeks he was in my class he made up all of the quarters work and with excellent handwriting too. This poor 17 year old kid was playing basketball int the park on the westside when he and 2 other kids he was playing with were shot. He was the only one that was killed. I was numb. I know things like this happen and I know it is an inner city reality but the sense of loss is so great because this kid wanted to succeed in the Alternative School System. He stayed away from the gangbangers and trouble makers and still this young life was cut short.

As a Teacher I mourn but have no idea the sense of loss his Mother is feeling.If anything happened to my son like that I would want to die with him. So much sadness in the inner city.

Teaching Globally

I was fortunate enough to become friends with a fellow Teacher in Germany. In the past year since we began talking and comparing educational systems of Germany and the U.S. it has made me so sad for the youth of America. My friend also teaches on the secondary level but the content levels are so vastly different. November was Holocaust Awareness Month and I decided to collect one page biographies of Children of the Holocaust for the students to read and begin QAR (Question-Answer-Relationship) on. I asked my friend to give me insight from a modern German's perspective, one that I could share with my classes. He is a Philosophy and Ethics Teacher. The material was wonderful but I knew would not be comprehended. When I sent a sample of what we were working on he was shocked. The reading and comprehension levels were that of what he would provide to 5Th graders. It was very disheartening to know that the students who need the most get the least.

Of my school, I have so many wonderful students who want to learn and grow. It breaks my heart to see the discouragement due to the behavior of a handful. Why must there be such a difference in education across the world?

My cousin spend 6 months with his fiancee (in photo) traveling through South and Central America teaching in small villages. They experienced what few of us have the opportunity to do, a selfless act.

My fellow Teacher is coming to the States on an exchange program for a few weeks in the spring. I am frightened to have him attend a day in the classroom with me. After listening to the wonderful projects and activities he has his classes work with. I am afraid my students would chew him up and spit him out. If the field trip to the Holocaust museum is any indicator. They managed to ask the most inappropriate questions to a young German man who was presenting a film. Questions like, "Were your family Nazi's?" "Why do you talk so funny?" "Are you a Nazi?" This poor young man managed to complete his presentation and walk away. I do not want them to do this to my friend but the boundaries are not set for these kids. They feel they can ask anything. Which can be a blessing and a curse.

O.B.G.

I have been labeled an OBG by a few of my students. When I asked what and OBG was to another student I was told it is a title of respect, like calling someone your Momma. OBG stands for Oldie But Goodie. I have to say it feels pretty good as a teacher to know you affect your student's lives.

My favorite thing I hear my students say about me is "Ms. B is MY Teacher". It may be a rough high school that I am in but once you earn the respect of your students they are loyal to you.

Some days can have such a positive feel to them. Today made me feel pretty damn good.

After 9 years......

With all of the stress of this job and the stress of raising a recent teenager, after almost 9 years of marriage my husband still takes care of me and makes sure I am alright. He brings me treats and cares for me when I am at the end of my rope. I felt pretty good today and know I have him to thank. I just wish insanity would not surround me constantly or I could thank him a hell of a lot more.

Health Issues

I think this job is slowly breaking my health. I have never had this much stress in all of my life. Even when I was working 2 full time minimum wage jobs. This is so much different. I think the final breaking point was during 6th period yesterday when I had two students trying to throw another out my classroom window. I could care less if they were "joking" or not. Her feet were out the window and they would not back down when I tried to pull them away. This is beyond tired. This is beyond stressful. I need a do-over life.

Here I Am Again........

Why can't new music fill me with life as the excellent music of my generation and before. I swear, I can listen to almost any type of music from classical to punk and have more than indifference. I know there has to be music out there but I have not had the chance to sit and just listen to music in what feels like years.

It is probably just the exhaustion talking. I just hear the stuff my best friend listens to and can't see the same passion that she does for these new groups. They are cookie cutter, like a lot of my beloved music of the 80's. I hear no slap you in the face and make you turn up the dial kind of music like Elvis Costello, R.E.M, U2, and Pete Townsend. Maybe I've just grown cynical as I grow closer to my 40's but I would really like to be smacked in the face by something new...

6:45??

How can it be that I show up to school at 6:45 and still not get started with grading papers? I am so numbed by this place. I feel the more I do the farther behind I get. There are constant field trips and classes are disrupted, not to mention having to re-adjust lesson plans everytime they decide to hold a student forum spur of the moment. If you do not re-write your lesson plans you get a disciplinary action.

Now they are asking us to have a $30 grab bag. Excuse me? With what is paid? With how unsupported the staff feels here? I have bought presents for my fellow faculty members who I cherish beyond belief. I bought small tokens for the administration and staff.

Tis the season though, right?