The Great Depression of the 2010's musings part 1

I sat staring at my shoes yesterday when my husband and I were on the way home from Osco Pharmacy. We had just purchased the one medication not covered under medicaid (yet the only neuropathy medication that relieves the pain for my husband). The cost was $172.99. This is the second month in a row we have had to pay that amount for medication. Feeling not so great I stared at my shoes and laughed to myself.

The shoes wore are the ones I wear everyday, my New Balance. I love these shoes and need to wear sneakers with as much running around as I do. This particular pair saw it's day about a year ago. Both shoes on the left sides have holes in them. The holes are so large you can see my socks. I know it is going to be horrible in the winter. Now most people would tell you, just buy a new pair of shoes. That's the part that makes me laugh. The people I know would have no concept of what true poverty means. The shoes are a symbol of my life. Sure there can be a quick fix, like maybe a new pair of sneakers, or my mother paying my electric bill that was past due for 6 months, but those are no real solution. There will still be another bill or prescription that does not have the funds to pay it.

When I didn't have money in the past to pay for something I would wait to the following pay period to purchase it. There is no following pay period now. This is it. I do not think people get it. It is not just tightening the belt a little. Maybe skipping going out to the movies or dinner. It is the harsh reality that you do not have enough money after paying for needed medication to buy something at the store for meals for the week. Or be able to pay for transportation for your husband for the week to get to Doctor's appointments. And it won't be all better after payday, or you can take it out of savings or put it on the card. Those options have long since past.

This hopelessness/helplessness effects your entire life, for the rest of your life. There is no longer a sense of happiness, laughter and ease. That has been replaced by dread, fear, and tension. I do not know if this will ever go away. I have my doubts. I have read countless tales of the survivors of the Great Depression. Hell, my Great Grand Parents lost everything in the Great Depression and were changed for ever. People who love the old you. The one that was like them don't realize, you are not like them. You never will be again. The absolute best you can hope for is to find a job that pays at least half of what you were making as an educator, and keep your fingers crossed that there will be health benefits. If not that you make just below what Medicaid will allow for you to continue using Medicaid. The most important thing is not to think of what your life was and who you use to be. That person is long gone.

On this day 21 years ago...

On this day, 21 years ago, I was sitting in the basement of my then fiances' parents house drinking a shot of tequila my ex's father poured for us, complete with worm. It was to celebrate his 21st Birthday. It was horrible and the taste stayed in my mouth for hours afterward. 

On this day, 21 years ago, I gave the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with a gold pocket watch (which he had wanted for years, a  box of cigarillos and a bottle of tequila. 

On this day, 21 years ago,my future was all laid out and planned. I was a year away from marriage (or so I thought) and the life of a wife of a Lutheran Minister or a Chicago Police Officer. Which ever career he chose.


On this day, 21 years ago, I had hopes, dreams and goals for a happy life. How did so many years pass?


Happy Birthday A.K.. I hope the life you chose still makes you happy.

Detour from Raw Foods

I must say, though I was enjoying my journey with raw foods and will pick it back up. I first had to exercise a demon that has plagued me for 27 years, I quit smoking. It was quite difficult and I will be a smoker for the rest of my life, I will just be a smoker who chooses not to smoke.

Today makes 4 months since my last cigarette. I do so miss them. I know I can do without them but I loved them so.

Now I can begin to focus on raw foods and health. My husband has been improving everyday from his stoke. It has really boosted his confidence. 

The boy graduated from high school in June and began university in August. He is just getting the hang of university classes.

So much has happened in such a short time. It is amazing how much there is to say when you have not had a pc for 5 months. I have been using the ipod my husband was given for christmas by his brother and sister as my internet connection. My pc contracted a horrible virus and is unusable. All of my files and life are on the pc sitting at my feel. I have not felt like using this new/old pc of my husbands because my files are not on it and there are no programs of use. I do not even have Word on this thing.

I do hope to begin raw foods again. With me still looking for a job and my husband still recovering from the stroke, it has been difficult to even get to food pantries much less the grocery store for fresh veggies.

The Journey of Raw Foods-Day 5

It has now been over 48 hours with no coffee. There is no withdrawal or cravings for it. My mind is completely blown. I still can't get over the fact that coffee is not a part of my daily life's blood.

My husband is not doing the juice fast or raw diet, which is fine. I went to my local Starbucks this morning to get my husband his coffee and ran into my usual barista. I have been talking to her about the raw foods journey I am on. When she saw me this morning she waived her arms in the air and exclaimed, "I'm doing it! After work today I am going to get a juicer and start a raw foods diet." She was so excited about trying a raw foods path. She said towards the end of our conversation, "I hope you don't mind, but I am following in your footsteps." 

I thought about this on the way home and it made me think of who is my inspiration for this journey, my younger cousin Betty. She has been vegan for years. She is an amazing young woman who is filled with passion for healthy living, strong, and a self-assured force of nature. She has always been this way, even when she was a small child. Here's to you, my inspiration, Betty.

The Journey of Raw Foods-Day 3

As I begin day 3 of a raw foods lifestyle I find it is not as horrible as I thought it would be. I was always a total food craver. For the past two days I have been on a juice fast and though I have smelled some awesome foods, I think back to one of the video blogs I watched about smells. A woman RawDownUnder     posted on her blog about the smells of food. How the smells are better than actually eating the food. It was funny, last night my husband wanted a frozen pizza for dinner. I cooked it and it smelled and looked incredible. I inhaled the smell and it was wonderful. My stomach gurgled a little. But I was so good. I did not have even a taste. What I found myself wanting was to eat a banana. I know I have several more days on the juice fast so I stayed steady and had a glass of the fresh juice I made.

I still think of bad food occasionally. Yesterday evening I had to pick up prescriptions for my husband at the grocery store. It was amazing walking through a grocery store and only buying grapes and kiwi. I did not look at all of my previous trappings. I stayed focused and it felt great.

I have begun a picture a day to see the difference in me over the days. I want this to be a lifelong journey to healthy living. Once food is no longer a focal point in my life I can focus on everything else. 

As I enter day 3 I am  focused, goal driven and happy. I cannot wait for the toxins in my body to begin to leave. I drink a lot more water than I ever did. Before I relied on the water in my coffee to do the work of hydration. Fruits are wonderful. I cannot wait to be able to have smoothies. That is still five days away. I will get the greens in and my body will begin to heal from all of the years of damage I have done to it.

The Journey of Raw Foods-Day 1

I have been contemplating a Raw Foods diet for sometime now. I have lived a very unhealthy lifestyle for the past 10 years or so. There are many contributors to this destructive path, the main being my state of mind and what I will accept. For the past week I have been researching a raw foods diet and the benefits. Mainly because, I am tired of feeling unhealthy. I would not say that I am sick. There are no sniffles or colds, but I feel very unhealthy. 


I feel now that I am ready for this change in lifestyle. Before all I would fantasize about is the foods I would be missing. I do not feel that way now. I am not thinking about all that I will miss out on. What I feel is all that I have the potential to benefit from. I am excited to start this new journey.


The first step is the detox period, that will be rough. Not for wanting to eat but for all of the impurities to gradually leave my system. The biggest obstacle for me is getting the "greens" in my system. Sure, I love spinach cooked and with butter. But to get back to the basics that my body needs, that is now gone, and I'm okay with that. I have never been a real salad eater either. But after all of the research I think there is a solution, blending. I have found excellent recipes online for adding the greens to raw smoothies that will get the greens in me.


My past diet over the year has been the worst foods you can feed your body: pizza, pastas, EVERYTHING chocolate, buttered everything, breads, and TONS of starches. Anyone who knows me knows I love sugar and starch. It really takes a mindset to be able to begin this journey, but I am more than ready.


Since I am giving up dairy as well as meat, processed foods, and anything cooked, the biggest hurdle is my coffee. I know I will eventually give up coffee all together but that is one of my last hold-outs. Since I drank my coffee with 2% milk and truvia I had to change that. I have just started drinking my coffee with pure almond milk. It is a little different taste and is a little thicker than I am use to, but it is alright. It reminds me a little of drinking coffee with cream. I was never a cream drinker.


Currently the medical issues I have are below. I have read and viewed some wonderful results medically from what should be obvious to me at this stage in my life.:


1-High Blood Pressure (3 medications to control)
2-Migraine Headaches ( Once a month or so)
3-Knee Joint Pain (I have had this since my mid-20's. They really hurt when there is humidity in the air)
4-Back Pain when waking (unless I have my legs elevated)


I am sure there are more but those are the most pressing ones. 

I am very fortunate my husband bought a juicer many years ago. I made a juice of Granny Smith Apples and Red and Black Seedless Grapes (all on sale at Dominicks). I know I will have to have better juices and more organic, but money is always tight.


For the first week of detox fruit juices only then after the first week I can move on to smoothies (Happy to have my old blender. It may be beat-up and old but it still works) infused with greens. It's funny, I was talking to be BF yesterday and the one thing she said she would have a problem with in going smoothie or juice was not having the different textures in her mouth when eating. For me, I will be happy to no longer have to get my nutrients by chewing. I feel that this "liquid" type diet would be easier for me to handle. If you told me that a month ago I would have thought you were mad.


Sure, I would like to loose weight, but that is not the main reason for doing this. I just want to feel healthy. It feels as if my body is a full of toxic waste. The stupid thing is, I put it there.



I am too young to be this unhealthy. I am almost 42 and feel much older. I want to be around for my sons life. I want to see him fall in love, graduate University, start a family and become the wonderful man I know he will be. How can I do that when I am on this self-destructive path? It starts now. It starts today.

I will post more in the weeks ahead to see if this path is the right one, which I feel it will be. Wish me luck

Stroke at 49 part 3

Well, it has been sometime since my last posting on my husband's stroke. We hit the four month marker of post-stroke. I wish I could say that there has been a miraculous improvement but it is all so slow moving. David has been pretty positive through all of this but the cracks are beginning to appear. It is so hard for me to imagine how it must feel being cooped up it the apartment day after day. The simplest trips to the store or for physical therapy or doctors appointments are a big production that is tiring. 

To date David still has no movement in his shoulder, very limited movement in his arm and hand. He can raise his left arm to almost chest level with a great deal of effort and concentration. He can only do it for one or two repetitions. His left knee does bend but get caught in the locked position a lot. His ankle he can move with a great deal of concentration and effort. His left foot still has no feeling and both his foot and calf are constantly swelling. We have to wait until May for his third ultrasound on his leg to see if the blood thinners have broken up the clots in the four arteries that go from his foot to his abdomen. 


The hardest days for travel are when we know we are going to need to be walking for distances. I have to carry down the wheelchair from our third floor apartment and carry it back up. We do not have a handicap parking sticker so I usually have to pull up to the place we are going, get the chair out of the back seat, help him get situated, then find parking. It's funny, people seem to think that there is a lot of free time when staying home and caring for your loved one, if anyone spent anytime in my shoes, they would go to bed early every night.

There is so much more I would like to be doing but it is so difficult to find the time to do it. While taking care of him I am ever still on the job hunt. Looking for work, taking care of him and our son, doing all of the household chores alone is really tiring.