27 October 2022
Happy Trails Mr. Positive
I recently found out that Mark passed away this past spring. Occasionaly we'd message one another over the past 10 years. It was heart warming to know that, despite the way we were raised, he managed to not only keep his sense of humor, but also a possitive outlook in life.
He was featured in one of the films my mother made while at Columbia. Here is Mr Positive, the early years in "The Walk"
26 October 2022
Ten and a Half Years
I can't beleive it has really been that long since I've posted. It seems like a blink of an eye yet my universe has completely changed. Loss of those held dearest and gaining the long forgotten dearest souls.
Happiness has changed meanings as time marches on. Age provides a better focus of what is worth attention and emotions.
I'll try not to let another decade pass without a post. I've missed it.
25 June 2012
15 June 2012
The Great Depression of the 2010's musings part 15-Stroke Recovery from a Disabled Point of View
I've written in the past about my husband's stroke at the age of 49. That was 1.7 years ago. He has been classified as disabled due to the limited mobility of his left leg, hand and arm. Both of his feet have no feeling. Yesterday we discovered that the numbness is moving further up his left leg. It is now above the ankle.
As of last week we were finally able to get him to Cook County Hospital. For any of you who have never had the need for County or who have had the privileged of having insurance, you are indeed lucky. The average wait time has been well over 2 hours to see a doctor. The entire building is dirty and you feel the need for a shower when you get home. Some of the staff is kind but the majority have the attitude that you are bothering them. They snap at you. Talk so rudely. It was truly a depressing experience. Yesterday he had an appointment at the Podiatrist. My husband has not had his diabetes, neropathy, or blood thinners checked in over a year when they cut Medicaid. After we'd been there for an hour he had to use the restroom. Yesterday was a rough day for his mobility. It was very slow. We went to hunt a bathroom down. While waiting for the restroom closest to the clinic 2 people cut in front of him. My husband was too tired and his pain was making it difficult to walk. We walked down the hall to the next bathroom, half way across the hospital. It was being cleaned. We had to walk farther down the hall to a 3rd bathroom. By the time we got back to the clinic a trip to the bathroom took over half an hour. Didn't matter, they had not even begun to put his paperwork together at the front desk. By the time they called him up to sign his paperwork 1.5 hours had passed.
I do believe it was the most depressing day we have ever had in a hospital. The conditions the poor are subjected to is disheartening. I know my husband will be able to see regular doctors in the hospital we have been going to as soon as Medicare begins in November. I just find it apalling that a man has a stroke, is left disabled for life, has conditions and medications (diabetes, neropathy, blood thinners) that require constant monitoring and yet is not entitled to Medicare (a system he has paid into for the past 30+ years) until 24 months after he has had a stroke. There is so much he will never gain back because he was not able to continue Physical and Occupational Therapies. I just don't understand how people assume that everyone is out to milk the system and take their hard earned tax dollars. My tax dollars and my husbands went into a system that was suppose to cover such crisis's. Instead all I read in the papers are more cuts to benefits that people have paid into. It is heartbreaking and sad.
As of last week we were finally able to get him to Cook County Hospital. For any of you who have never had the need for County or who have had the privileged of having insurance, you are indeed lucky. The average wait time has been well over 2 hours to see a doctor. The entire building is dirty and you feel the need for a shower when you get home. Some of the staff is kind but the majority have the attitude that you are bothering them. They snap at you. Talk so rudely. It was truly a depressing experience. Yesterday he had an appointment at the Podiatrist. My husband has not had his diabetes, neropathy, or blood thinners checked in over a year when they cut Medicaid. After we'd been there for an hour he had to use the restroom. Yesterday was a rough day for his mobility. It was very slow. We went to hunt a bathroom down. While waiting for the restroom closest to the clinic 2 people cut in front of him. My husband was too tired and his pain was making it difficult to walk. We walked down the hall to the next bathroom, half way across the hospital. It was being cleaned. We had to walk farther down the hall to a 3rd bathroom. By the time we got back to the clinic a trip to the bathroom took over half an hour. Didn't matter, they had not even begun to put his paperwork together at the front desk. By the time they called him up to sign his paperwork 1.5 hours had passed.
I do believe it was the most depressing day we have ever had in a hospital. The conditions the poor are subjected to is disheartening. I know my husband will be able to see regular doctors in the hospital we have been going to as soon as Medicare begins in November. I just find it apalling that a man has a stroke, is left disabled for life, has conditions and medications (diabetes, neropathy, blood thinners) that require constant monitoring and yet is not entitled to Medicare (a system he has paid into for the past 30+ years) until 24 months after he has had a stroke. There is so much he will never gain back because he was not able to continue Physical and Occupational Therapies. I just don't understand how people assume that everyone is out to milk the system and take their hard earned tax dollars. My tax dollars and my husbands went into a system that was suppose to cover such crisis's. Instead all I read in the papers are more cuts to benefits that people have paid into. It is heartbreaking and sad.
14 June 2012
The Great Depression of the 2010's musings part 14-Rejection, dejection and pain
When someone is on the edge of sanity, has a family history of debilitating depression and suicide, here are a few tips on what not to do:
1-Tell your lifelong friend whom you have always thought of as family that you "need a break" from their friendship. Especially when that persons back, mind, and spirit are slowly breaking with every blow that this life is delivering. Worst thing is to, when they tell you they are on the ledge of life, leaning more towards death, to just stop all of the steaming piles of dung dumping all over their lives and soul, is to tell them the ultimate FU-"Call a helpline or check into County Hospital" This is telling the person not to call you. A real friend does not abandon a drowning person. Words cannot describe the pain of this loss. Of all of the things in life that could be counted on as a sure and true thing was a best friend. That is lost. 27 years of family/friendship cut with a sword of words. I suppose the true feelings of that friend all along.
2-If you meet your long lost father when you are the ripe old age of 30 and his wife treats you and calls you one of her daughters. Don't expect to really have a place in their hearts. I always thought my father and his wife cared about me. When I joined FB and Mom2 was on there around the same time 3 years ago or so she sent me a family request for me to be her daughter and her my mother. I accepted this gladly. This afternoon I saw a request from her to list me in her family group as Stepmother. It was a painful request. I would have preferred she deleted me rather then demoting my status in her and my fathers lives.
Relationships are something I was never any good at. I am sure it is because I have always come from the rejected persons perspective since birth. You would think it would become easier to deal with the losses in life but it never does.
It is amazing to me to see how little people actually see the ones they say they love. I don't mean with visits but with the circumstances and surroundings in which they live. The weight of all of the calamitous events that occur, one right after the other as the person they once knew gets sucked into the abyss of financial, physical, mental and spiritual ruin. It isn't until that persons funeral that they say, "I had no idea she was struggling so much. I wish she would have said something." They cry, act as if they were there the whole time, helping, listening, or just reaching out a hand to keep the person from being lost forever. People don't really care the way they say they do and then you get surprised by a caring thought or concern from those you don't expect to. People that are far away and have heavy plates of their own. A tender word or thought that can brighten a moment in your blackened day.
1-Tell your lifelong friend whom you have always thought of as family that you "need a break" from their friendship. Especially when that persons back, mind, and spirit are slowly breaking with every blow that this life is delivering. Worst thing is to, when they tell you they are on the ledge of life, leaning more towards death, to just stop all of the steaming piles of dung dumping all over their lives and soul, is to tell them the ultimate FU-"Call a helpline or check into County Hospital" This is telling the person not to call you. A real friend does not abandon a drowning person. Words cannot describe the pain of this loss. Of all of the things in life that could be counted on as a sure and true thing was a best friend. That is lost. 27 years of family/friendship cut with a sword of words. I suppose the true feelings of that friend all along.
2-If you meet your long lost father when you are the ripe old age of 30 and his wife treats you and calls you one of her daughters. Don't expect to really have a place in their hearts. I always thought my father and his wife cared about me. When I joined FB and Mom2 was on there around the same time 3 years ago or so she sent me a family request for me to be her daughter and her my mother. I accepted this gladly. This afternoon I saw a request from her to list me in her family group as Stepmother. It was a painful request. I would have preferred she deleted me rather then demoting my status in her and my fathers lives.
Relationships are something I was never any good at. I am sure it is because I have always come from the rejected persons perspective since birth. You would think it would become easier to deal with the losses in life but it never does.
It is amazing to me to see how little people actually see the ones they say they love. I don't mean with visits but with the circumstances and surroundings in which they live. The weight of all of the calamitous events that occur, one right after the other as the person they once knew gets sucked into the abyss of financial, physical, mental and spiritual ruin. It isn't until that persons funeral that they say, "I had no idea she was struggling so much. I wish she would have said something." They cry, act as if they were there the whole time, helping, listening, or just reaching out a hand to keep the person from being lost forever. People don't really care the way they say they do and then you get surprised by a caring thought or concern from those you don't expect to. People that are far away and have heavy plates of their own. A tender word or thought that can brighten a moment in your blackened day.
04 May 2012
The Great Depression of the 2010's musings part 13-Dreams
Last night I dreamed about Chris. I went to my family's Christmas (which I normally do not do) and Chris was there. It was in present day so I knew he was dead and had been dead for the past 15 years. Everyone was ignoring him. I was amazed. They saw him. Knew that he was there but acted indifferent. I went up to Chris, told him how happy I was to see him and how wonderful it was that he made this amazing journey to be there. I hugged him. It was so vivid. I had my arms around him and my head on his chest. Loving him. Feeling a long missing hug. When I woke up I still felt Chris' hug.
22 April 2012
The Great Depression of the 2010's musings part 12-The Horrors of Youth
When I was a very small girl of 4 I fell in love with a song that came out 2 years before. When I heard this song I would sing along and it made me so happy. I made the mistake of singing this song one day at my JW babysitters apartment. As soon as they heard a 4 year old singing "I'm on top of the world looking down on creation.." the slap to the face came. I was told that I was placing myself above god and would have to be punished for my sin. I was beaten with the special wooden paddle with my name on it. It was a paddle just for me because I was so horribly sinful and was beaten more then the other JW children. Below is the evil song that is full of sin...
How can people be so cruel to innocent children? Why do they feel the need to destroy innocence and replace it with fear and self loathing? I never sang that song again. The thought of it is pain, fear, and loneliness.
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