To Cry...

I have this amazing student who just transfered in this semester. She only needs 2 classes, both mine, to graduate. This remarkable young woman gives you hope for the inner city and with the youth of today. She is like a ray of sunshine to walk into the class every morning. She is a single mother of 2, works full time at a hospital, has her own rock band (in a school where 99% is all Rap, it is a breath of fresh air), and pretty damned smart to boot.

Last week she told me that doctors discovered a tumor on her brain. She told me on Friday that she would be getting results this Saturday. What I was faced with this morning that this wonderful girl was dying. There is a surgery that could maybe save her but the likelihood of survival was only 25%. If she does not do the surgery she has at the most, 2 years to live. It took all I had to not cry today. Such a wonderful girl who has so much potential will not be here to see her own daughters graduate high school or even grade school.

There is so much ugliness in the world. Often I go to work dreading it until I find a student like this who makes you happy you showed up. When I told her it was breaking my heart she told me not to be sad, it was difficult for her to be around sad people. She wanted to go on with the life she has left. By 3rd period I was bawling like a baby.

When faced with something like this it really makes my problems seem so insignificant.

Last Week Was Not My Week

Monday-Was in a hit and run. There I was minding my own business and this stupid woman hits me while I am at a complete stop for the traffic facilitators. She was going at least 35.

Tuesday & Wednesday-Cannot move my neck. Find out the stupid woman does not have insurance and I only have liability as the car is old and I am an under paid teacher at a charter school.

Thursday & Friday-Horrible days with students. This new kid kept throwing up gang signs and one of my brighter ones would not wake up during 7th.

Friday night-Start feeling really ill.

Saturday-Felt like a truck ran me over. Went to doctors for results but she has to do the test over because she didn't get a good sample.Still had to write lesson plans for next week.

Sunday-6 loads of laundry and feeling like complete crap.

Today-Day off of school. Could do nothing but sleep. Papers still in a pile ungraded.

I feel like crap, need at least 2 more days of bed rest but cannot take days off of work. The National Accreditation walk through is this week and a day off means a day that my fellow teachers loose their preps and deal with my classes. I could just scream! If I were in a real school I would be able to have a day off and know that a Sub would come in.

Just a cranky week and day

10 Years?

Yesterday I cleaned out our storage unit to find things for the rummage sale at the boys school. What I also found was Chris' old answering machine. That was one of the things I got after he died. I packed it away without listening to it. I couldn't, the pain was still too fresh. I brought it upstairs with me yesterday and played his incoming messages. On one side were the last messages he received. It was so sad to hear his last message, the one from my Grandmother. There were only a few messages, one from my younger cousin inviting him to my aunts birthday party and a few from his friend in Wisconsin. The one person who loved him most of all was the last person to leave a message for him. I turned the tape over to see if their was anything else. While listening I realized what the other side was. He had saved all of the messages from his wife. There were many messages of love from both she and he to each other. There was one message from my uncle Charley and a shock voice, mine! He had saved a few voices on the back of the tape, during his happy time with his wife, and I was one of them. It was the only time I have ever heard my recorded voice and didn't hate it. Maybe because there was emotion in my voice. Maybe because it was for Chris. I do not know. Hearing his voice made me remember him all the more. I always think of Chris but hearing his voice made the memories all the more vivid. The tears did not flow yesterday while I sat there listening to a peice of his life. Now they do. I miss him so very much. It never gets easier. Time does not heal this wound. I wish we could have given him more to live for.

Geek?

You are 35% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

What a "Cat"

I took a feline quiz, seeing as how I am part cat, and was amazed at who I was most like as a cat:




You're the Pink Panther. Suave and sophisticated, you enjoy your superiority and your natural grace. Though to some, this attitude makes you appear arrogant, most people are attracted by it rather than turned off. You especially enjoy being in the social spotlight. It just doesn't get any better than this.

http://www.quizilla.com/users/laur/quizzes/


1468 other people got this result!
This quiz has been taken 47017 times.
18% of people had this result.


Am I really this bad?

Drug Awareness Month

As it is Drug Awareness month at my school I chose to do something a little different than I normally do. Usually I write a quote for each theme from a President or famous person as it relates to the topic. Though I find them amusing and witty, it is not always the case with my students. This month was a little different.

The following is the quote I put on the board:

Needlework the way, never you betray
life of death becoming clearer
Pain monopoly, ritual misery
chop your breakfast on a mirror
Taste me you will see
more is all you need
you're dedicated to
how I'm killing you

It sparked an interest in the class. One of my students told me the following, "That shit's like Shakespeare. All poetic and shit." I made a vow to e-mail Metallica, the authors of one of the best anti-drug songs of my generation. My students are hardcore Rap lovers. The thought of these kids liking the lyrics and wanting to know where it was from was awesome. Of course when they found out there was a quiet pause.

Ah, the joys of introducing Metal to students without them knowing.....

What a Mother is....

My mother just left yet another message I have yet to return. It is so difficult. I often think of calling to let her know I do not hate her but I cannot live with the toxic side of being in her life but I cannot. As soon as I start talking to her the vicious cycle starts all over again. She will refuse to admit she chose her girlfriends over me. Refuse to accept responsibility for the insanity that was my youth. If she could just admit it was her choices and not that of the current flavor of her life maybe things could begin to heal. As soon as we begin talking again she not only brings up past wounds but then wants to rub salt in the wounds by passive aggressively blaming everything from the religion I was raised in (different nightmare for another day) to my grandparents to her exes.

Of all that I endured from her the only lesson she ever taught was how not to parent. That and to read to my son every night. She did do that once and awhile. Because of that I have read to my son every night, no matter what, until he could read on his own. Now he brings books like Java, and Macromedia manuals to bed before he sleeps. I have so tried to be the bigger person and call but I cannot. It has gotten me so desperate to leave that hurt and pain behind that I do not even talk to my family. I have been told more than once that I am just a niece and she is their sister. I am wrong for hurting her by not talking to her. I had one aunt yell at me over my Grandfathers death bed because my mother cried to her that I am not speaking to her. These are the same relatives I begged to live with when I was young. Begged because my mother was insane, in a cult and constantly left me with evil people of the religion so she could lust after someone new. I begged these people when her girlfriend hit me over the head with a cast iron frying pan and I told my mother I couldn't live like that. Either she left or I would. My mother told me, a daughter of 15, to have a nice life, so I moved. It took 3 years and the girlfriend being gone before my mother would speak to me. And who's fault was it? You guessed it, the girlfriends.

Still I weep for the mother I never had. The father I never knew and the Grandmother I have not seen because it hurts. I just want to have 15 minutes of a normal childhood. The things most people take for granted. Now I have a son I adore and a husband who is so good to me. The last thing I want is for that to be destroyed by the chaos that would begin if she were in my life.

I feel so horrible about not talking to her. The thought of hurting someone else tears me apart but the peace I feel is good. It only comes to surface when she calls. My father said I should make peace or I will regret it when she's dead. He is the last person I expected to say that about her but that is the type of person he is. It's always so hard.