The Great Depression of the 2010's musings part 8-Is there a point?

This has been an incredibly bad weekend for the ongoing Great Depression of the 2010's. I was in such anguish yesterday. I spent the entire day, done, done with it all. My mind is always trying to find the brighter spot. The day that will be the turn around and get our lives back on track. Yesterday I was just done. So hopeless. There is just so much one pair of shoulders can bare. These are what my mind focuses on:

1-No medical treatment for my husband recovering from a stroke (we make too much with my unemployment while I look for a job and his disability due to his stroke). 
     a. Medicare will not be provided due to his age until November of 2012. 
     b. My husband is on a blood thinner due to clotting in his leg that caused the first stroke. He is suppose to have his blood levels tested every month. He has not had it done for 4 months and counting due to no coverage.
     c. My husband had to quit Physical and Occupational Therapies which help him learn to adapt to his physical limitations due to the stroke.
     d. My husbands 16 different medications are all paid out of pocket. over $600 a month in medicine alone. 
     e. My husband is diabetic. He has advanced neropathy in his feet. Prior to loosing medicaid he was able to go to a Pain Clinic to manage his chronic pain. Now there is no monitoring and adjusting of medications.
     f. My husband has residual internal issues that need to be addressed in 3 different specialties that he has yet to have seen because of lack of insurance.
2. I have been unable to pay the minimums on my credit cards or student loans due to the burden of our medical expenses. I pay each of my credit cards and student loans $10 every 2 weeks with my unemployment. Meanwhile they call constantly and when I tell them I want to work with them but explain what my minimum is they tell me I need to pay more a month. I pay what I can.
3. My car insurance is due and I have yet to pay it. I need the car for my husband. I would take the bus or train to a job if I had one but my husband cannot move around so well.
4. My electric bill has not been paid for 2 months. I am so terrified that we will no longer have electricity. 
5. My son could not get full financial aid even with an unemployed teacher for a mother and a father who became disabled due to a stroke. So his tuition will be due by March.
6. Food is harder and harder to buy. We were told that my husband's disability and my unemployment give us too much coming in to receive Food Stamps. Even though our rent and medical take up over half of all of our "income". 
7. The job that I was hoping to get is delayed, possibly forever. It seemed like a done deal and it is now in limbo. I thought that I would be working by the end of February at least.
8. My mother has been trying to sell her house so she could move to the same state and she would get a 2 flat that we would all live in and pay the mortgage together. She is old, and living in a state with no family or strong support system. She is disabled and been hospitalized 3 times in one month due to her eye sight and medications. She is disabled and needs to have family around her looking after her. She has already lowered the price on her house twice but there have been no offers. If she walks away from the house then she will not qualify for another mortgage. She and my husband have decent credit and could be co-owners so the mortgage would have a better chance of going through. It has been on the market for a year. If she lowers the price more, she will have to pay more. As it stands she's going to have to pay 10K in closing at the price it is now. She does not have more to give. She is a veteran and so far the VA has not been able to do anything for her even though the move is for medical reasons and it is a VA mortgage she has on her house.
9. Still being unemployed, needing a job so desperately. 
10. Having family that does not check in on you or help in any way. I have not had concern about my physical or mental well being by anyone. I guess it is easier to ignore it then to really reach a hand out. Superficial "support" or "help" is so much easier for people these days that your family is treated as your hi/bye non-sustenance friends on facebook. Real and true friendship is so much more complex then a smiley face post or what your favorite song is at that moment. Just make sure you click that like button or else the person thinks you don't care.


With all of that swimming in my head, I broke down. I just couldn't deal with all of it anymore. I use to be the person who paid my bills on time, made sure my son always had a few dollars in his pocket, purchased new shoes when needed, went to coffee with friends, etc.. What is left is this nothing of a person. It is a spiral so deep that there will never be a way out. All I began to think about yesterday was how I didn't want to feel this anymore. I couldn't feel this anymore. No matter how Mary Sunshine I was, the bills will never be current up to date and normal again. The phone calls will never end. The medical will never end. I just wanted it all to stop. I began to seriously think about how to die. That would be the only way out. I don't want to die. I know all too well the aftermath of a suicide and didn't want to inflict that on anyone. But that was all I could think of to stop my head form thinking about this situation. 


I came to the conclusion that jumping off of a tall building would be a good solution. That way no one in your family has to find you, the pain is very brief until you die, and it wouldn't cost anything. After knowing how I was to die I started thinking about all of the letters I would have to write. Especially to my son. My eyes were swollen thinking about him and how it would affect him. How do you explain to the person you love the most in the world to that you don't want to be part of the world anymore? That life is just so hopeless? I love my son more than anything in the universe, always have, always will. The thought of hurting him is more than I can bare. It would be so much easier if I died in an accident or of a disease. Then he would feel better about my death. 


I spent all day in bed with these thoughts swimming around. Not wanting to die but feeling that there is no other way. I still feel that way, but I am not at that point yet. I would have to get so much organized for my son before I can think about it. I am just taking it very slowly, hour by hour. It is easier to write about this rather than talk to someone. If I had health insurance I would probably see a therapist to help me but that is a luxury that I cannot afford. Who knows how much farther down the road my life has in store, but for now, I am holding on by a string.....