Stroke Victim at 49

24 October 2010

Court Intrigue

My Grandmother was brought back to the hospital yesterday. One of my aunts called me and I spent the late afternoon/early evening with my aunt and an uncle that showed up later. It was a very difficult day because of my Grandmothers condition. We were told that she needed a pace maker and that it was non-intrusive surgery. The time spent with my aunt and uncle was nice. It had been years since I spent any time with them. We were able to make my Grandmother feel good and loved.

Why then should I feel like I am dealing with Medici intrigue? When I got home my other uncle called me to see how my Grandmother was doing. All I know is that he is her son and that he loves her. I updated him about her situation. The next thing I know, my uncle who has power of attorney is calling me in the morning pissed off because I told the other uncle what was happening. I have been told my entire life that I am only a niece and that I cannot have any say. That is fine. If there are issues among my aunts and uncles, I am not in the loop. All I know is that my Grandmother is sick and if one of her children calls me concerned about her I let them know what is going on. I was only trying to do the right thing. For that I was berated and will probably be barred from contact yet again. There is so much high drama going on behind the scenes that I have no privy to. The only thing I know is right, is I love my Grandma. I want her to be happy and comfortable. The last thing I would ever want to cause is stress in her life. I will go back to being solitary. I am so use to it. I will fondly keep my childhood memories to myself and live, as I have lived, without support, caring, or concern from a family.

14 October 2010

No Link Card for You

I received my letter from DHS and was told that I make too much in unemployment, by $100 a month to be entitled to any food assistance. WTF am I suppose to do now? One unemployment check doesn't even cover rent. I thought I would have some food assistance so maybe I could pay my utilities too. I am so screwed.

13 October 2010

The Toughest Grandma

My Grandmother has been in the hospital for over two weeks, only two blocks from my house. I adore my Grandmother. She is the strongest toughest woman I know. My family did not tell me she was in the hospital for almost three days. Since I am unemployed I have been spending most days, all day long, with my Grandmother. What I can't understand is why I was the only one there most days. My Grandmother had twelve children. Excluding the one who passed away and the ones who live out of state, there should have been more people there. When my family is there the drama ensues. It is always about money, Grandma's money. My Grandfather managed to start a family just before he went off to WWII. When he returned he build a strong career as a carpenter and managed to feed and house all of his children. By the time my Grandfather passed away, through frugal savings he secured enough money for my Grandmother to have for the rest of her life and to have a little for each of his children.

My sweet Grandmother wants one thing, to live with family. She was married for 62 years and always had a house full of family. Now in her 85th year she is living alone in Assisted Living where she rarely wants to leave bed. When she does wake up long enough for visitors all she talks about is being done with life. She is so lonely. Living with family would make her happy. How is it that the one uncle who would take her in the family has a problem with? The rest of her children want her in a home. It breaks my heart. I rent a 3rd floor apartment and am unemployed. I would take my Grandmother in a heartbeat, for her, if I could. It breaks my heart to see everything as a dollar or cent thing. My Grandmother gave life to this family and the family cannot take care of her? Let's not forget, the money issue. They want to quibble over who is getting what of my Grandparents money. I told my Grandparents years ago (yes even 10 years ago they were fighting over my Grandparents money) that they should leave the money to research for Frontal Lobe Dementia or for Suicide Prevention. One to help prevent other families from feeling the pain as we did for the loss of our beloved Chris or to find more treatment possibilities for others as here is no real treatment for Charley right now. It would serve them all right. Of course, they are the children and parents will do all that they can for their children.

When I attempt to make a suggestion I am told that my voice does not count as I am only a niece and have no say. I am trying to be the voice for my Grandmother. I only hope that when I am old my son will remember how my Grandmothers family acted and treat me with a little more dignity.

05 October 2010

Checklist for Overwhelming Depression and Despondency

Checklist for overwhelming depression and despondency:

---Lose job, check
---Send out hundreds of resumes and have only a hand full of interviews that lead nowhere, check
---Wait at Food Stamp office twice for hours on end with no food stamps yet given, check
---Go to Food Pantry to receive food, check
---Have bill collectors calling everyday, check
---Pay $190 for one prescription because of no health insurance, check
---Applying and still waiting for MediCaid, check
---Find out your father was rushed to the hospital because of a post on his daughters Facebook asking her friends to pray for him, check
---Finding out your Grandmother (from your mother's side) has been in the hospital for 3 days, in serious condition, just down the street from where you live, but none of your aunts or uncles bothered to tell you until the "black sheep" uncle found out last night, check
---Weeping uncontrollably every morning wondering just how deep this hole will get and what the point is of going on, check

When someone is feeling hopeless about their situation, the last thing they should ever feel is last in peoples lives. I have always felt like a consolation prize, second class citizen, growing up. The way I was raised affected me throughout my adult life. My mothers family and my own mother treated me as an afterthought. When I met my father at the age of 30 I knew I would never have the father/daughter relationship with him that I dreamed of my whole life. I love my Dad. But when you get comments from his daughters about how you look like a distant cousin (I look more like him than any of his daughters), being called illegitimate by his youngest, being ignored as a nothing from his younger 2, and finding out he was in the hospital because of a posting asking friends to pray for him on his older daughters facebook, it solidifies my place and value in his families lives. 

Now my Grandmother, who was like a mother to me, is in the hospital, only two blocks away, and no one called or told me. These aunts that told me they loved me. These relatives that cried buckets when Chris died have no compassion or love for me. I realize that one of my aunts is going through cancer treatment. She has more on her mind than anyone else. But the rest of my family knows about my situation and I have not received a single phone call to check in on me. My uncle Chester is the only one who calls to check in. He is in the same jobless situation I am in. He is the one who tells me when something happens in the family. I am at the lowest point in my life and friends and family are nowhere to be found.

My best friend called three weeks ago and wanted to take me out to tell me all about her trip and to give me a gift she was excited about. How do you explain to people that you don't want to be out? The only filmstrip on the projector in your brain is the ever expanding hole of hell that is your life? I can't sit and smile over a cup of coffee having small talk. How can I do that when I can't get through a meal without weeping? I feel like the homeless person that everyone passes and ignores. Who knows, maybe people are just waiting for this whole pesky poor thing ends in my life so I won't be so poor and pathetic. My days of plastic are over. I use to say every morning before I left for work that I was on. My days of being on are over. This has hurt me more than financially, it has hurt me spiritually. I always knew that the support system most people take for granted, I have never known. I do not know what a safety net is. If I loose this apartment and become homeless, there is no Mommy or Daddy's house to run to and live till I'm on my feet. I am all I have.