11 February 2007
Yesterday I cleaned out our storage unit to find things for the rummage sale at the boys school. What I also found was Chris' old answering machine. That was one of the things I got after he died. I packed it away without listening to it. I couldn't, the pain was still too fresh. I brought it upstairs with me yesterday and played his incoming messages. On one side were the last messages he received. It was so sad to hear his last message, the one from my Grandmother. There were only a few messages, one from my younger cousin inviting him to my aunts birthday party and a few from his friend in Wisconsin. The one person who loved him most of all was the last person to leave a message for him. I turned the tape over to see if their was anything else. While listening I realized what the other side was. He had saved all of the messages from his wife. There were many messages of love from both she and he to each other. There was one message from my uncle Charley and a shock voice, mine! He had saved a few voices on the back of the tape, during his happy time with his wife, and I was one of them. It was the only time I have ever heard my recorded voice and didn't hate it. Maybe because there was emotion in my voice. Maybe because it was for Chris. I do not know. Hearing his voice made me remember him all the more. I always think of Chris but hearing his voice made the memories all the more vivid. The tears did not flow yesterday while I sat there listening to a peice of his life. Now they do. I miss him so very much. It never gets easier. Time does not heal this wound. I wish we could have given him more to live for.